Guessing Second

Today, whilst dressing P-Man, we discovered a dead dragonfly on the couch.

I'm not even sure how it go into the house, but it had been there long enough to dry out and was perfectly preserved.

I told P-Man not to touch it, and ran to the kitchen to retrieve a piece of kleenex to pick it up and toss it. (Let's face it, becoming a parent has really de-pussified me, but I'm still not man enough to pick up a dead bug with my bare hands and toss it.) Upon returning, I discovered my little guy happily smashing the dragonfly into tiny little pieces with one of his Hot Wheels.

I'm not sure why I got upset, but I sat next to him and reemed him out for smashing it. I still can't figure out if I was upset for him smashing the bug, or if it was because he just didn't listen to me. Then I thought, "Who fucking cares? He's doing what he does. He smashes things. He does that sometimes."

Then it was: "Wait...he smashed that bug. Is he a sociopath? Is it bugs today, then puppies tomorrow before he graduates to humans?"

I've been finding lately that most of my parenting is 70% reaction and 30% analyzing my reaction to things P-Man does; did I come off too angry, too strict, too lenient, too forgiving, too babying?

I will sometimes lie awake at night and completely go over any myriad of sequences in my head and develop a gameplan for if/when a similar scenario presents itself.

I don't know if it's just part of being a parent, to always question the way you do things, especially if you impart the wonderful gift of comparing yourself to other parents you know. How would X friend react in the situation you were just in? Maybe I should be more like those dudes?! OH MY GOD!? MY FRIENDS ARE GOING TO JUDGE ME NO MATTER WHAT I DO! 

I've always been told to trust my instincts, but what if you yourself don't even trust your instincts? What if you feel like everything you do, you could do better next time? 

Is this what being a parent is all about? Making a decision on how to care for your child, then immediately contradicting yourself?

I'm pretty sure that there is no real answer to this question. I think it's a matter of just going day by day and going to bed knowing that you just did your best, and that you kissed your kids goodnight and that tomorrow is just another adventure.